Ok. I know it’s been a pretty long time – and I know I should have written more regularly – I know I have been remiss. OK! I KNOW. Don’t even say a word. Please!
I just have had a lot to grapple with. You see I have a few really difficult situations I am trying to get through. It’s not life threatening, not illness, not a family tragedy, not like disasters or financial losses or any other types of human catastrophes that are mind and soul crushing. I have had some of that too, but this is different. I need to make some choices and I am very bad at making sensible choices. Oh, I have education – I have a pretty solid sense about philosophical ideologies, psychological theories and so on, human developmental needs, social influences, family and friend networks … I can tell other people all about what’s best for them – we are all pretty good at that, right? But with myself? Ahh, well! I get caught up in my messy feelings and my desires and my uncertainties –all of which catch me – in some ways unawares, yet in some ways I allow them to control me. It’s just feelings, right! Ha! Well they are like chains of iron, all in my head, yet they constrict and bind me, they slam into me, they roll me around in a strong current of helpless confusion.
And I know it’s all tied up to my past, because all the posts I have made here are so ‘alive’ in my head. That telephone prank man – somehow he lives inside my brain. He is so powerful still. And I can hear his warm persuasive voice this very moment.
I write this blog (“blog” – what an awkward and rather ugly word!) – but I write the way I talk: as if I am talking intimately, to some close friend, whom I can trust; someone who I feel – and who I hope – will really listen and stand by me. Well here goes:
Are you ready to hear what’s been going on for years, and what is getting more intense now? I was not at all ready to tell you. Maybe I am still not ready – but it’s bubbling up and I know I will let it out. I say again that I guess this blog thing is a personal way of me seeking therapy – cathartic; and maybe it will be healing thereby. But that remains to be seen.
Several years ago, I met a man who was older, and who had the look of a ‘father’ type in my view. Not my own father – not in the least! But he had the appearance of a mature, strong man and he was confident and articulate and knowledgeable and had money and position. He was smoothly considerate, he bought me things I needed, he was funny and fun, and we went to dinner, we had drinks at my place, and at his place. We watched political shows, movies, comedy shows, went to expensive music concerts in town. He had lots of good social connections, knew the ropes, knew the ‘ways of the world’. He was also a military man – high ranking. Had been in battle, had scars. Was strong, tough and built like a ‘brick shit-house’ and I was most impressed with his background, his manner and actually, everything about him. He was kind and smart and just good to be around. He made me feel safe somehow. And he liked me. A lot. He joked, “You’re an island girl. I’ve been all over the world, and I know all about you. Yeah, an island girl.”
I laughed as it seemed like a nice image. Palm trees, ocean breezes, swaying dance moves, island rum and coconuts… old romantic songs… Harry Belafonte, ‘island in the sun’ stuff.
Well. No problem. Right? Right. Ok, all good. But – not exactly. Well – not at all, in a new crazy way. Not so very new either! It’s been going on for quite a chunk of time. Even though he lives quite far from where I live; he has connections here and he comes here as often as he wants.
And we talk on the phone. Whenever he decides we will. He texts me and I – I text back. He says, “I am thinking of you.”
I reply; I ask if I should call. “Yes” he says. And I do. It’s all so pleasant – small talk and a joke or two. And then – it begins. And as always in my childhood, I already know what will happen, I feel the mood, the footfalls, the steps as it begins and as I know it will proceed. And I let it happen.
“You know, I want you. Where are you right now? What are wearing?”
I tell him.
“Take your clothes off. Do it.” Pause. “Are you naked yet?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Run your hands all over your body. Touch your breasts, pinch your nipples. Tickle your pussy. Tell me what you’re doing. I want to picture you. Do what I order you to do.”
I comply. Why am I doing this? Years ago he said to me, “When did you become a submissive?”
“A what? I don’t know what that is,” I replied.
“You like to obey. You just follow what you’re told to do. It is what you want too.”
“No – I don’t think I am – well, that word… I am not like that.”
“Yes you are. I will make you understand that.”
“But – what do you mean? I don’t want to be hurt.”
“Really? Ok, well, we’ll explore how things happen and how it will turn you on to be in my power.”
He smiled and put his arms around me. “Ha-ha. Oh, yeah, my island girl, we’ll do things. Yeah, for sure.”
He smiled and put his arms around me. “Ha-ha. Oh, yeah, we’ll definitely do things.”
So some time went by, and he contacted me. After the usual preliminary text, to see whether I was ‘available’, he usually called. It was quite late in the evening where I was. He was waiting for clearance from air traffic people, so he could take his plane to fly out to his lake house. Yes he has his own plane. He texted.
‘It’s been rough here, bad weather. So I miss you. I am watching the end of a sunset. Thinking about your ass. And how much I love looking at it, and how hard I will slap it when I spank you.’
I did not reply right off. I had that ‘here we go’ feeling. And I begin to work with what I know he likes. I wrote back: ‘I’m sorry about the weather. So I need to be spanked? I didn’t do anything. Do I really need a spanking?’
He called my house phone. His voice was calm, masterful and direct.
“Are you even asking me if you need a spanking? Oh yes, you do. I think you know you need a good hard spanking. I will wear leather gloves this time. I want to whack that bare bottom so hard – make it sting. Make those round cheeks all hot and red.”
“Are you lying on your bed? You better be. Spread your legs. Touch yourself softly, I want to think about it, I want to picture it. I like you to get your fingers all wet – now put those fingers in your mouth.’
‘But – I don’t like that taste – please don’t tell me to do that.’
“Do it! Now!”
“Say – yes, Sir.”
“Are you doing as I told you to?”
“Um – yes.”
“Oh – yes, Sir.”
I really was getting aroused and I was rather confused at how easily that happened. He continued:
“I am going to be out there soon. In a week or so – or early next month. We’ll do lots of things. I have some meetings, and then we’ll go out to dinner. I will buy you some good liquor, some new clothes – maybe. If you’re a good girl. You can get ready for a special time. I got some new toys for us to play with. I got silk ropes, I got a little whip. And I wanna whip you – your tits, your ass – not too hard – but enough to sting, to excite you. Are you ready?”
“I guess so. I mean Yes, Sir!”
“I’m gonna fuck you – hard. Penetrate you, every place I want to. Mouth – pussy – ass. Tie your hands behind you. Get you down on your knees, on the floor. You are gonna suck me off. Suck my dick – open wide, take it all, hear me? Then I come and you swallow – all of it – every drop. I will hold your head and shove my cock down your throat, and I will yell when I come.”
“Oooh – yes, oh yes! Yes, Sir, yes, Sir.”
“Now I want to fuck your pussy. On your belly, get face down. I am tying you up. Ok, you will submit to all I order you to do. Always. I have your hands tied at your back, silk ropes are binding your wrists. I want you shaking. I want you scared, but you are hot, aren’t you? Start begging me to do it all to you. You want it, don’t you? You know you need it, don’t you? You never had it so hot.”
“Are you very wet? Are you all dripping?”
“Yes. Oh, I mean – yes Sir.”
“I am so hard now. So very hard. I am so hot to fuck you, I really want you now. And I want you on your belly, hands tied. I am feeling your ass, rubbing my hands all over you. I am putting my fingers into your pussy from behind, and you are very wet. My hand under you, pushing between your legs. Move your hips. Feels good – doesn’t it?”
“Don’t get sloppy. Always say ‘yes, Sir’ immediately.”
“Yes, I am very sorry, Sir.”
“You need more spanking, you are not listening very well.”
“Oh Sir – I will be more attentive. I am very sorry, Sir.”
“All right. I am ready to fuck you – in your ass. Now. It’s gonna hurt. I got a really big hard dick. Lift your ass up high. I am going to spread those cheeks and slam my dick into that ass. I like it tight. I want to hear you scream when I do it. I want to hear you beg for it. Beg me! Here I come!”
“Ohhh – ohhh please Sir! Please – I want… oh no! Ohhh!”
“Scream – scream! Yes, yes!”
“Ohh Sir, oh, please Sir!”
“Ahhh – coming inside you! Ahhhhhhh!”
“Ok, I need a rest. So you can go to sleep now, you’ve been a good girl.”
Well this is the basic game. It’s phone sex. But soon, he is going to actually be here – well – sometimes. Not sure what to do, really. But he has me in this place where I seem to do as he wants.
I’ve done this kind of stuff before. Yes, the phone sex job. Well, I did kind of like some of the guys. I’ll have to tell you more about it. I did not mind the regular guys at all – they were kind of sweet, and just wanted ‘normal’ sex talk. Oh, let’s face it, I don’t even know what normal is – does anyone!