I know! i have neglected this blog again. I’ll leave that small ‘i’ to show how sorry I am. But I’m back today. Because this incident has been roiling in my brain – I simply can’t stop remembering it. I do think I know why most women do nothing about things like this. What happened? I guess it was a ‘rape’, but I will never quite call it that, or report it, or make any big deal about it. I feel I should try and understand what happened and why I am ‘okay’ with it. Anyway, I already know I won’t do a thing about it. It was a sexual incident with a man I used to go with. I am not still with him; or maybe I am somehow, because he’s part of my life for various reasons. I like him; he likes me too. A lot. And I have a real dilemma when it comes to dealing with him. So, I actually needed to write a bit about what happened with Miguel, maybe about eight months ago by now. Yes, with Miguel and also with Me. I am a very strange creature – I feel hot, even when I say no, and even if I think I mean ‘NO’. So it’s easy to see why men don’t take my “No!” for an answer… and whose fault is that!?
I cannot think of any way out of it, nor do I have a clue as to what to do about it, nor do I have any notion as to a way to prevent it in future. I am the problem. I am just made that way – and if you’ve been reading my posts, especially the earlier ones, you will understand that I have been primed and groomed and I do have an ‘allowing’ reaction, despite my reluctance to do ‘it’ or not.
Wet? Oh, I almost always am, a bit. But some time ago, Miguel was here and he and I were sitting on that sofa, and he did what he ought not to have done. He put his hand under my clothes and stuck his forefinger in my vagina – and felt inside me to see if I was ‘ready enough’ for his cock. Oh yes, he was going to put it in me. I knew he was determined to do it, and I was already resigned that he was surely going to make it happen. No matter that I said ‘no’. Even if I was not ‘his’ anymore, he still saw me as he always did – his for the taking. So I knew he was going to fuck me, like he had always done before, when we ‘were going together’. And I immediately got compliant – sort of; as I knew there was no use in doing otherwise.
I cannot really explain what happens or why or how… but he excites me, he scares me, he amuses me, he helps me… he is just connected to me. And while I do not want it, I can’t stop the habitual reaction in me, that process of me responding to him. So weird! I tried to hold him off; I kept protesting, saying ‘no, no’ – and I did mean it. I think I meant it in my mind, but he wasn’t stopping, no way. Oh, you know he is amazingly strong, so many muscles, just such a male powerful body. Really, I can’t do a thing and I was scared of him and pretty tense and he decided I was not wet enough for entry. So he pulled my tight pants part-way down, to the top of my thighs, leaned over sideways and popped his mouth fully on my vulva and stuck his tongue in my vagina. Never asked me – just did it. He knew I was wet enough after that. Just with his saliva – so it was all he needed. And he did enter me – oh, yes he did. He just whipped my tights completely off in one swoop, while I was struggling, gasping and trying to keep his hands off my body. He rolled onto me, got fully on top of me at that moment, and the next second, his pants were undone, his cock went right between my legs and way up inside me. I knew I was entirely helpless. I did not scream or fight anymore when that happened. I lay flat, I lay still – my legs were not that far apart, and he still shoved it into me, all the way. I bit my lip, I clenched my jaw, I whimpered – but he said “Shhh, shhhh” and even put his fingers over my lips – softly, but yes he did stop me from making another sound. Then he kissed me – his tongue in my mouth – and he does kiss so well. I let myself succumb, and he moved only a few more times. He made a slight grunt and he let his face fall onto my breasts. Very strange experience – that moment when he seemed helpless himself – but only a brief moment. Oh, I could have still screamed but of course I did nothing. I felt his semen spilling out of me and I shut my eyes. He lay on me for a bit and got up, put his cock back in his pants and brought me a dishtowel. We were in the small room off the kitchen. It was not even a private area – made no matter to him. I clutched the towel between my legs, got up too and went up to my bedroom. I lay down and just huddled there, under the blankets.
He came and lay next to me, holding my hand. He quietly asked, “Was that a rape?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Really? It didn’t feel like that to me – I didn’t hurt you…” He seemed puzzled.
“What do you call it?” I replied.
“Hey, I am sorry. Hey, I swear I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise I won’t. So are we still friends?”
I blinked at him. “Sure, sure.”
He kissed my hand.